it's about letting go of what could have been
only holding on to the things that really matter
Stephanie
16 in Houston TX.
Myspace
I ♥ My Sissy
Damn obstacles
Thursday, January 29, 2009, 1:24 AM
So I really realized that there are some feelings that can stay with you for a long time without you ever realizing they are still there, boiling under the surface, burning you on the inside. Sometimes these things need to come out, a self confrontation in a sense. Things do happen for a reason, when the time is right we face those obstacles. I had to face something today, it sucked monkey balls, and at first it was pure hell. I couldn't even explain what I was feeling, the only real emotion clear enough to describe was fear, irrational as it was, maybe I was scared at what this was doing to me, and why I felt so many emotions at once for something I thought was so far behind me. I felt like I hadn't gone as far as I thought I had. I felt like I just ran off the road and someone stuck me back at the starting line, also irrational, but it still hurt in the strangest ways. But if people can get past this flood of emotions that scares them and really face whatever it is in the face, it can be so good for them. It was good for me, I feel better, about myself, about where I am in my life, about how far I've come, and how strong I am. I just feel better. It made me face some questions I had asked myself and find the answers to, and as unimportant as they seemed I can feel myself just slamming the gas forward. I'm proud. It was the hardest thing that I've done in a long time, and it really wasn't that big of a deal, at least I don't think it should have been, but for me it felt like hell one earth, that did fade though, and I feel inspired to just live and be good. The past is the past and I've put so much behind me already, I can do the same with this. Someday I will forgive, because to not forgive is a form of personal punishment, it only hurts yourself, that will just take a little more time. Maybe that's another reason I had to face this.Well, I'm sure it is now that I think about it.Love will save our souls
Tuesday, January 27, 2009, 2:59 AM
Love is really an interesting thing. I don't think it ever dies, not if it's the true love. Not to say that people who truly love each other don't get divorced and shit, but if you really care about someone in that you want them to do better, to be better, just so that... well because you love them, that can't ever disappear. It's timeless and unchanging thing. Love is not kind, lovey-dovey, and sweet thing all in all. It is honest and unsparing, it tells no lies and wants the true best for whomever it concerns. Though it can also be sweet, that is not the core of it's self.I got to see my best friend begin to turn his life around for the better and I feel amazing because of it. It's all I've ever really wanted, as well as him for me I'm sure, I think that has something to do with our strong bond. Not to mention my family. I feel so inclined to show them anything that I find inspiring, or that I feel brings me closer to God, in hopes it will do the same for them. I feel so grateful to know I have people who love me in such an amazing way.
Kind of random, but I was just thinking about people who have sex changes, and I'm not judging but I don't understand. This body isn't our home anyway, we are all prisoners in the most horrible way. Doomed to such a horrible human nature that we are all born with, etc. but really, if we're all equal, why does it matter? female, male, white, black, Jewish, Christian, what the fuck? We all are spiritual equals, though our spiritual awareness might not be equal, we all have equal opportunities to reach God. I have problems with my body, not that I would like to be a boy, but mentally I want to destroy my body in a million different ways and I fight with myself through that every day but I'm not going to get plastic surgery or take a bunch of pills to feel 'free'. I will never be free on this Earth.
Random rant to get my anger out
Wednesday, January 21, 2009, 2:22 PM
Anger isn't exactly the fuel to evil, but it's close. If you pour gas over a flame it will spread. Something sinful has to happen to make you angry, someone has to treat you badly, for example, and in response you get angry. A few things can happen, you can let it go or try to change those angry feelings to understanding of the sinners problem: sin itself witch is for God to judge, no matter what wrong this person has done. To help him out is different than judging, though. You could let the anger fuel more sin and forget your morals just to produce a only temporary relief of the anger, it possibly could cause the anger to linger longer than if you were to try to understand, or at the least forget (maybe not even forgive, though we should, and that would help a good amount more) the anger. In all reality you could cause others, some who never have hurt you, to feel angry because you have sinned and it created a chain reaction. One person really can make a difference.More than a recovering addict-
2:48 AM
You have got to learn to love yourself. It's a fucking rule, one of the most important lessons in life! You especially have to learn to love yourself before you try to love someone else as a significant other or else you will hurt him and yourself over and over again. You have to learn to love yourself to be happy, to be able to love others, and most of all to love God. Now, I know you are so close to that, or rather were. A few days, maybe a week or two of beating yourself up isn't going to push you to the beginning. You have gained wisdom and you know what it feels like to start loving yourself. You are so much happier when you eat what you want, you aren't thinking all of the time about the fact that you cannot eat and if you do how you'll hide throwing it up. Don't lie to yourself and say you can control it, that you can make it a small part of your life, because you CAN'T! You have issues, eating disorder issues, got it? Just like your an addict and you can't have one joint a week and be fine. It does not work like that, please don't try to prove your strong by proving opposite. You are strong, by ignoring the so appealing ideas of starvation, just like you're ignoring ideas of old using buddies and drugs. Just like you are strong every day to be happy and think of God throughout every action, witch you cannot do if you're starving yourself. You feel like you have to hide from him subconsciously. Don't waste your time on earth, in this body witch is not yours, not your home, not your permanent place to live, don't waste it trying to disinagrate it. Was that not how you came to drugs and self injury the first place? The need to be fucking thin?? Give it up, you are so sad when you aren't, all you think about it how much better you could be and how strong or how weak you are at the minute. It clouds everything and to think you have such a problem with ego that you have to resort to those things? It's not worth it, it might make you happy when you see the bones or feel the head rushes but it hurts everyone around you and it hurts you without you even noticing at times. You are a different person when you are thinking of being thin and 'strong' and you can't be everything you have worked so hard to be. Bodies don't matter here on earth, our choices do. It's a lot harder to be a good person as God wants us to be when you are striving so hard to be something he does not care for. Don't turn yourself into a monster, how ever pretty, just to satisfy your own unnecessary cravings for a perfection witch in all honesty you can never fully satisfy.Especially think of SETH.
You can't be proud of yourself if you're treating yourself like dirt, neither can he.
Tiny
Saturday, January 17, 2009, 10:55 PM
You will think about it. You will think about the tiny coffin before you fall asleep. You will think about holding him in your arms before you make plans for the day. And even harder you will try not to think about what you could have done differently so that he might be here now. But you will be so strong, and very rarely will you catch yourself regretting. There will always be a spot in your heart, not exactly empty, but warm, and it will make you smile from time to time. You might go to the zoo and see a little boy with blue eyes and a heart shaped face that could have looked like him, he might ask you a question about the animals and you could break down. It's never going to go away and it probably won't get easier but, strange enough, it could bring you to realize what is so sweet and life, what to believe in, and what to fight for. It's the most tragic thing in the world and you would never trade your time with him for a thing.
New Year
Thursday, January 8, 2009, 2:19 AM
Woh. The last few months have been intense, good, but intense. Getting over the loss of my baby boy has been hard and I'm sure not over it but I'm working on it. Getting started on my sobriety has been surprisingly great though, I joined a drug abuse program on orders of my P.O. and, though I thought I'd hate it, I absolutely love it. It's really inspiring stuff and the people are great. Huggers :) those are my kind of people. I'm about to start college at the HCC and get my first two years done and skip off to a better college. Exciting but I Really wish I had a car already. Just now getting my permit and waiting for a big law deal from the car accident to go through so I can buy me something pretty that won't turn into a flapjack if I wreck it. Could be any time from now to two years, yikes, so I guess it's the Metro until then.I just started looking for a job again too. I guess now that I really think about it I'm just starting to pick myself up from all that's been going on. I feel better than ever though, proud of who I'm becoming for once in my life. That makes me smile. God has become the most important thing in my life, I'm so proud to be able to say I'm trying my best to live the way he wants me to live. That is the best feeling in the world. I also have to say that C.S. Lewis has some crazy good stuff to read. Crazy good. Read it!
I'm worried about my mom. She hates being admitted to the hospital and it's pissing me off. She has a few things she needs surgery on for her health but she keeps saying she has to wait until she has time off, money, and she had to wait until I was taken care of. But seriously, just.. ugh. She is such a big part of my life and my sobriety I just wish she would take care of herself. I don't like seeing her in pain, it puts me in pain. She's too good of a person but her health is taking a toll and it's effecting her moods too now.
My best friend checked himself into rehab a few days ago. I really hope he realizes the potential he has and how far he could go and how much the drugs cover up his amazingly genuine heart. It makes me sad seeing him fucked up now. I remember the days he used to wish I was sober and wanted to do 'normal' kid things. Haha. Jeez I love him so much. I really do, we've been through a hell of a lot together and no matter how many people passed us by we always stayed true to one another. It's really great to see through all that bullshit I went through, there's still one person who never fucked me over and was always honest. That's rare. This boy has love. I wish I could get a hold of him, his mom won't answer my calls and I was sleeping when he called before he left (I want to stick my head in a meat grinder for that) and of course his brother doesn't know anything, or won't tell me, could be either or.
So now that Everything's slowly getting back on track I'll try to get blog posts regularly. My personal project. Hey, if you're going to write a diary you never write things you don't want anyone to read, so why not make it public so you never would anyway? I have sponsor for other things :)