Plastic Purple Platypus

Oo

2009-02-06T15:06:00.003-06:00

I found some more writing I did not long ago.

FUTURE

So there you are, and here I stand. I was never good with words, but this moment can only be described as revolting. I hate you for this, making me do the dirty work. I hate you for making you hate me.

PRESENT

I start my drinking, the first glass of the night glows pink, fruity, and would make a humble woman shit faced in seconds. Start fading out. Begin this Scene. In walks the most amazing man I’ve ever seen. His eyes are azure.
We start to dance, I feel more like I’m in a prom dress than I’ve ever been.
Would you fuck me? Because I would fuck me…
You somehow make it seem so easy to be alive, but can you tell me how to live when everything inside is dead?
“Excuse me sir, I had plans to die tonight and you are getting in my the way.”
“Excuse me miss, but do understand what you have just said, and who exactly you said those words to?” and you reply, the man with the crooked smile, the man I would love to love.
“And I bet you are going to say it’s wrong-?” I Insist.
“Trust me girl, I know your legs can’t be itching for more. I offer you this easy choice, instead of dying, living with me?”
“Are you mad sir? You don’t even know my name. It’s Constance by the way.”
“I’m not interested in your stage name, Sugar.” And from then on my name was Sugar.
“Constance is the only name I’ve ever known.”
You switch the rules and I love it when you take advantage.
“Settle Sugar.“ Your lips are at my cheek. “-I know just how you feel. I know you like the party, but the party never stops, and nobody’s ever going to tell you no. But I want to, because I know you. Do you know I know you? Leave with me, because you will die tonight. Look at this right, you get this?”
“Alright, I give in. But you only have one night to prove you are better than this building.”
“You drive a hard bargain.”
I should know, really, that this could end, really.
I should know you’d never make it work.
Wake up. Let’s stop pretending.
At least pretend like you did know, really.
It’s not like you’re watching, so I go on and take a drink.
No matter how unbearable this misery gets, you tell me I’m yours.
And this is when I begin to follow you out of the front door.

HIS VEIW
You said I must be crazy,
But you’ve got looks,
You’ve got passion,
You’ve got me and somehow I’m used to this by now.
I belong to you if you can just let me feel.
If this is as easy as love is then I could be a hero for a day.
I’ve been waiting for you all my life, so I can be a hero for you.
I’m here with you, and I fear you’d go crazy if I left your side.
Just ten minute before I walked in that door you were about to jump,
And so complicated by hesitations, this is as easy as love goes.

HER VIEW
You pulled me closer,
One step after another.
You kept tugging on my shirt,
Out of tune, this isn't the way it was supposed to go,
No near romance, no, I’m petrified.
But I opened my eyes and saw what you’d done
Your skin is cold against mine.
I can feel you more than anything
And I feel weak, but you fit.
Now you say those things
Because you love how they sound.

-

2009-02-05T13:54:00.002-06:00

Kissing, as well as other romantic experiences in life, were not meant to be experienced while we were drunk or high or under any sort of influence that chemically changes our state of mind. God intended it to be sacred and meant for only two. Ever. It makes me sad see or hear about this happening with good people, it also makes me very sad and guilty to remember my past.

Random, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Well... Damn,

2009-02-04T22:57:00.002-06:00

More than just sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to. And fucking shit, it hurts to watch them go the opposite direction. Even forever later when you think it's all said and done, when you've left the past for something better, it still bites pretty hard, right there in your face too. At first for me, it was more of a remembrance of my old ways, of those sad days, and all the hurt and pain I gave up. I thought that was it, I really believe it will make me stronger, you think you're getting over getting over it and there it is again. This isn't just how much the hate burns inside of me anymore, a lot of it is, but thinking I was going to go down this one road of dirt and burnt buildings, giving in, convincing myself that this place could be my very own home and finally falling in love with such an unlovable path, after so much time... When I, for some reason only God knows, wind up passing close enough to look at that road... It's a lot like heart break . But hey, we hurt a lot in life, more than we really would believe to be bearable, I can do this. I can feel myself getting stronger, it hurts, like burning muscle during a workout, but it works. I thought in the beginning detachment was the key to forgetting such horrors. I guess I was wrong, it's back to haunt me and I never really faced it and now I'm suffering. Wow, I never really face it at all, I just forgot, for the baby's sake. Well.. :) great, heartbreak, the worst I have seen, is on it way. But I can do it, I've dealt with a lot more and this really is something small compared to the seas of hurt I have passed. It's not in my past though, this is something that will always be a part of me, like it or not, just because he's dead doesn't mean I won't remember every day. I'm facing it now, and I won't back down.

If I'm somber

2009-02-01T17:07:00.010-06:00

The daily light outside our room turned on
In that hallway I can see failed attempts at love
Once was a spider hanging on that wall,
I leaned against it as I you roamed,
This was about the time our world began to fall
And every Tuesday I think about what's behind me
A sinking feeling with destructive thoughts wake me
Stiff tendons with no feeling, I might be braking
But the light outside is so dependable.

Damn obstacles

2009-01-29T01:24:00.003-06:00

So I really realized that there are some feelings that can stay with you for a long time without you ever realizing they are still there, boiling under the surface, burning you on the inside. Sometimes these things need to come out, a self confrontation in a sense. Things do happen for a reason, when the time is right we face those obstacles. I had to face something today, it sucked monkey balls, and at first it was pure hell. I couldn't even explain what I was feeling, the only real emotion clear enough to describe was fear, irrational as it was, maybe I was scared at what this was doing to me, and why I felt so many emotions at once for something I thought was so far behind me. I felt like I hadn't gone as far as I thought I had. I felt like I just ran off the road and someone stuck me back at the starting line, also irrational, but it still hurt in the strangest ways. But if people can get past this flood of emotions that scares them and really face whatever it is in the face, it can be so good for them. It was good for me, I feel better, about myself, about where I am in my life, about how far I've come, and how strong I am. I just feel better. It made me face some questions I had asked myself and find the answers to, and as unimportant as they seemed I can feel myself just slamming the gas forward. I'm proud. It was the hardest thing that I've done in a long time, and it really wasn't that big of a deal, at least I don't think it should have been, but for me it felt like hell one earth, that did fade though, and I feel inspired to just live and be good. The past is the past and I've put so much behind me already, I can do the same with this. Someday I will forgive, because to not forgive is a form of personal punishment, it only hurts yourself, that will just take a little more time. Maybe that's another reason I had to face this.Well, I'm sure it is now that I think about it.

Love will save our souls

2009-01-27T02:59:00.002-06:00

Love is really an interesting thing. I don't think it ever dies, not if it's the true love. Not to say that people who truly love each other don't get divorced and shit, but if you really care about someone in that you want them to do better, to be better, just so that... well because you love them, that can't ever disappear. It's timeless and unchanging thing. Love is not kind, lovey-dovey, and sweet thing all in all. It is honest and unsparing, it tells no lies and wants the true best for whomever it concerns. Though it can also be sweet, that is not the core of it's self.

I got to see my best friend begin to turn his life around for the better and I feel amazing because of it. It's all I've ever really wanted, as well as him for me I'm sure, I think that has something to do with our strong bond. Not to mention my family. I feel so inclined to show them anything that I find inspiring, or that I feel brings me closer to God, in hopes it will do the same for them. I feel so grateful to know I have people who love me in such an amazing way.

Kind of random, but I was just thinking about people who have sex changes, and I'm not judging but I don't understand. This body isn't our home anyway, we are all prisoners in the most horrible way. Doomed to such a horrible human nature that we are all born with, etc. but really, if we're all equal, why does it matter? female, male, white, black, Jewish, Christian, what the fuck? We all are spiritual equals, though our spiritual awareness might not be equal, we all have equal opportunities to reach God. I have problems with my body, not that I would like to be a boy, but mentally I want to destroy my body in a million different ways and I fight with myself through that every day but I'm not going to get plastic surgery or take a bunch of pills to feel 'free'. I will never be free on this Earth.

Random rant to get my anger out

2009-01-21T14:22:00.003-06:00

Anger isn't exactly the fuel to evil, but it's close. If you pour gas over a flame it will spread. Something sinful has to happen to make you angry, someone has to treat you badly, for example, and in response you get angry. A few things can happen, you can let it go or try to change those angry feelings to understanding of the sinners problem: sin itself witch is for God to judge, no matter what wrong this person has done. To help him out is different than judging, though. You could let the anger fuel more sin and forget your morals just to produce a only temporary relief of the anger, it possibly could cause the anger to linger longer than if you were to try to understand, or at the least forget (maybe not even forgive, though we should, and that would help a good amount more) the anger. In all reality you could cause others, some who never have hurt you, to feel angry because you have sinned and it created a chain reaction. One person really can make a difference.

More than a recovering addict-

2009-01-21T02:48:00.005-06:00

You have got to learn to love yourself. It's a fucking rule, one of the most important lessons in life! You especially have to learn to love yourself before you try to love someone else as a significant other or else you will hurt him and yourself over and over again. You have to learn to love yourself to be happy, to be able to love others, and most of all to love God. Now, I know you are so close to that, or rather were. A few days, maybe a week or two of beating yourself up isn't going to push you to the beginning. You have gained wisdom and you know what it feels like to start loving yourself. You are so much happier when you eat what you want, you aren't thinking all of the time about the fact that you cannot eat and if you do how you'll hide throwing it up. Don't lie to yourself and say you can control it, that you can make it a small part of your life, because you CAN'T! You have issues, eating disorder issues, got it? Just like your an addict and you can't have one joint a week and be fine. It does not work like that, please don't try to prove your strong by proving opposite. You are strong, by ignoring the so appealing ideas of starvation, just like you're ignoring ideas of old using buddies and drugs. Just like you are strong every day to be happy and think of God throughout every action, witch you cannot do if you're starving yourself. You feel like you have to hide from him subconsciously. Don't waste your time on earth, in this body witch is not yours, not your home, not your permanent place to live, don't waste it trying to disinagrate it. Was that not how you came to drugs and self injury the first place? The need to be fucking thin?? Give it up, you are so sad when you aren't, all you think about it how much better you could be and how strong or how weak you are at the minute. It clouds everything and to think you have such a problem with ego that you have to resort to those things? It's not worth it, it might make you happy when you see the bones or feel the head rushes but it hurts everyone around you and it hurts you without you even noticing at times. You are a different person when you are thinking of being thin and 'strong' and you can't be everything you have worked so hard to be. Bodies don't matter here on earth, our choices do. It's a lot harder to be a good person as God wants us to be when you are striving so hard to be something he does not care for. Don't turn yourself into a monster, how ever pretty, just to satisfy your own unnecessary cravings for a perfection witch in all honesty you can never fully satisfy.

Especially think of SETH.

You can't be proud of yourself if you're treating yourself like dirt, neither can he.

Tiny

2009-01-17T22:55:00.006-06:00

You will think about it. You will think about the tiny coffin before you fall asleep. You will think about holding him in your arms before you make plans for the day. And even harder you will try not to think about what you could have done differently so that he might be here now. But you will be so strong, and very rarely will you catch yourself regretting. There will always be a spot in your heart, not exactly empty, but warm, and it will make you smile from time to time. You might go to the zoo and see a little boy with blue eyes and a heart shaped face that could have looked like him, he might ask you a question about the animals and you could break down. It's never going to go away and it probably won't get easier but, strange enough, it could bring you to realize what is so sweet and life, what to believe in, and what to fight for. It's the most tragic thing in the world and you would never trade your time with him for a thing.

New Year

2009-01-08T02:19:00.003-06:00

Woh. The last few months have been intense, good, but intense. Getting over the loss of my baby boy has been hard and I'm sure not over it but I'm working on it. Getting started on my sobriety has been surprisingly great though, I joined a drug abuse program on orders of my P.O. and, though I thought I'd hate it, I absolutely love it. It's really inspiring stuff and the people are great. Huggers :) those are my kind of people. I'm about to start college at the HCC and get my first two years done and skip off to a better college. Exciting but I Really wish I had a car already. Just now getting my permit and waiting for a big law deal from the car accident to go through so I can buy me something pretty that won't turn into a flapjack if I wreck it. Could be any time from now to two years, yikes, so I guess it's the Metro until then.

I just started looking for a job again too. I guess now that I really think about it I'm just starting to pick myself up from all that's been going on. I feel better than ever though, proud of who I'm becoming for once in my life. That makes me smile. God has become the most important thing in my life, I'm so proud to be able to say I'm trying my best to live the way he wants me to live. That is the best feeling in the world. I also have to say that C.S. Lewis has some crazy good stuff to read. Crazy good. Read it!

I'm worried about my mom. She hates being admitted to the hospital and it's pissing me off. She has a few things she needs surgery on for her health but she keeps saying she has to wait until she has time off, money, and she had to wait until I was taken care of. But seriously, just.. ugh. She is such a big part of my life and my sobriety I just wish she would take care of herself. I don't like seeing her in pain, it puts me in pain. She's too good of a person but her health is taking a toll and it's effecting her moods too now.

My best friend checked himself into rehab a few days ago. I really hope he realizes the potential he has and how far he could go and how much the drugs cover up his amazingly genuine heart. It makes me sad seeing him fucked up now. I remember the days he used to wish I was sober and wanted to do 'normal' kid things. Haha. Jeez I love him so much. I really do, we've been through a hell of a lot together and no matter how many people passed us by we always stayed true to one another. It's really great to see through all that bullshit I went through, there's still one person who never fucked me over and was always honest. That's rare. This boy has love. I wish I could get a hold of him, his mom won't answer my calls and I was sleeping when he called before he left (I want to stick my head in a meat grinder for that) and of course his brother doesn't know anything, or won't tell me, could be either or.

So now that Everything's slowly getting back on track I'll try to get blog posts regularly. My personal project. Hey, if you're going to write a diary you never write things you don't want anyone to read, so why not make it public so you never would anyway? I have sponsor for other things :)

Hmm

2008-12-06T09:11:00.000-06:00

i know what this feeling comes from. i describe it as my heart hurts. i think to myself i need to sit down and think. i need to figure out why i feel this way again.

it makes me want to go back to drugs some times. sometimes, it makes me want things i never really had. sometimes it simply makes me want to hug my mom or my sister. but really what my heart is trying to tell me is hey missy, you forgot your directive.

i get too involved in things. that's a big old flaw of mine, when i find something i like i stick with it. when i find something i want i go for it. but i get sidetracked to easily from my goals because of this.

it pisses me off that i have to go to pdap wednesdays instead of my favorite church group. i'll have to talk to my p.o. about that.

it's really quite simple. it's easy to be what my mind and body wants to be. it's easy to give in to those urges and let it guide my life but it's the very difficult to follow my heart and soul. it's difficult to follow God. and it's way to easy to forget about him.

you simply can't be a good person without him. he is good, he is love. we need him every second of every day. we need him in our thoughts and in our hearts to guide us through everything we do. we are powerless to this world and it is impossible to really be without him.

asking for help is hard for a lot of people. depending on the situation it can be hard for me too. but it's a necessity in this life, we can't be truly happy or whole without asking for His help. he is the piece that fills the empty hole in our hearts. with him life isn't easier, but it is much fuller and much richer.

this world is not ours. it is not where our home is meant to be. getting to involved here is a bad thing. getting upset over things here is silly. i'm not saying we shouldn't take things seriously. i'm saying we shouldn't be unhappy with bad results of anything here on earth because this world is full of sin and we should expect that from the start.

i like to fill myself with busyness. that is a mistake. without time to ourselves, without time to think, without time with God, following him is harder. another great flaw of mine, one i try very hard to overcome.

to be honest, i am proud at how far i have come. very. but i'm not done, and i haven't become the best i can be yet. that is my goal.

It's hard.

2008-11-21T12:46:00.002-06:00

I'm expecting on April 23rd and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. God gave me the most precious gift he could give and I am grateful. It has changed my life, I used to not care about anything. Now I live every day loving everything I have and being genuinely happy with the life I live. I am anxiously waiting for the day to see my baby boy or girl's face for the first time. I know this was what I was meant to do, I can feel it in my blood. I love this child with every fragment of my heart I have and I will do everything to give them the best life I can. Yes, I am too young. But what happened happened and this is how I choose to deal with it.

To Seth Michael, my love

You will always be kept close in the safest part of my heart, for I will always love you with all of my soul. You will continue to be my everything as I walk this Earth. You are and always will be the best thing to ever happen to me. There will not be a day I do not thank God for my time with you. You are my precious light whenever there is any darkness. My sweet baby boy, I pray God will keep you warm in his arms until the moment I can cradle you in my own arms and see you smile for the first time. Remember the warmth of my love, sweetheart. Remember the white dream with me, for I will always hold it dear. Thank you for everything you have given me, for you have given me so much of life and so much of love. Remember I love you,
Your Mother.

November 11th.

Letting go

2008-10-30T11:34:00.002-05:00

This is a speach from a show my mom watches, Army Wives. A guy without legs was giving it at a support group. I heard it and it really just got to me. It means a lot. So I found the episode online and wrote it down as he talked.

Letting go, that's what this is mostly about. The first thing you have to let go of is worrying about something you can't control. What happened happened so take a deep breath. This is your new reality. Whatever anger and frustration, you've got to let go of that too. There's no reverse button on our lives. If there was I would go back and I would do it different. But I cant. Now this isn't going to be easy because your brain is going to keep trying to steer you off course. But the really important things, those get clear in your head. I mean it. Whatever junk you thought you needed to make your life worthwhile, that goes away. Life gets a lot more basic and a lot richer. Now the coming months are scary man. I won't say it isn't. The small changes can be scary and well... those are just the small things. It's like you started out as one person but a thing like this changes you and this whole new person starts to form but until you let go you will never realize your full potential. We were given a special challenge and what I have to keep believing is special challenges allow for something special to float to the surface. Something that I may have never known about myself if this hadn't happened. It’s truly about letting go of what could have been and only holding on to the things that really matter.

A few old poems

2008-10-29T21:10:00.001-05:00

Tearing apart everything we know at the seams
Erasing our thoughts, massacring our dreams!
We create monsters and say it's what we need.
One shot is not a lot when love is what we need.

-

A constant time in fate
Broken, shattered are their souls
Can anyone ever fix them?
We always sought to a time in the future
Where we would never get left behind,
In out hearts though we always know,
A sick and twisted paradox it's sure to promise.

Maybe their hearts would suffice them
Every second of the crazy; hoping.
It can't ever be too far,
at least one truly believes,
Living horror or real life terror,
If you look you can always see the light.

-

i cry teardrops for a friend
i pray she'll understand

this is how we all began
the same reason we all need shoulders
she yells at me;
i am worthless things.
but you are perspiring
these toxic things.
you are a toxic thing.
wouldn't you like to look
down the road?
but we have sinned and
for us you lose hope.

a peace of mind for my dear friend,
me and jesus will be there.
shake it off, it's all you can do.
we'll jump out the back window.
caged in your own mother's screams
it becomes an echo of everything.

-

Silly Ghost,
goes where the wind blows.
never knew how to fly,
time passed, surfing the breeze,
sometimes way too fast,
never fast enough.
never slow enough.

-

this could be described
as our matching heart necklaces.
the way we used to drive.
i couldn't let you pass me by.
and the money's still not ours
but we play by the same rules.
every day gives us a new chance
to claim what we need.
we could be described as self rightous idiots
trying to save the fucking world
one friend at a time.

-

So shy, so innocent,
So lost, so misunderstood,
When will I find my way out of this maze?
When will I escape from this nightmare?
When will I find the truths of my life?
I think I've found the path...